Leaving Lolita and Other Things

When I started this blog a little over a year ago I was really excited about starting a new chapter in my life. I had just moved and was settling into a new home. I wanted to write about fashion, events, homemaking and cute food. I felt like my life was finally falling into place, and this was supposed to be a creative outlet to work through some of those changes.

A few months later I ended up going through a divorce. For a long time I didn’t want to think about any of the things that reminded me of the people who had hurt me. Instead I started a new school program and threw myself into working. I cut out most social media, and started spending more time outdoors. I made new friends, started new hobbies, and did my best to move on.

For a long time I debated leaving lolita. Though most of my close friends were once community members, most don’t wear the fashion anymore. Hosting meetups felt like a chore with all of the COVID restrictions, and, truth be told, I was anxious about who might show up. I didn’t want to have to explain my divorce, and I didn’t want to have to pretend to be okay when I was struggling.

I toyed with wearing the fashion on my own. For awhile I tried to stick to a once a week schedule, but in the end I couldn’t keep up with it. The weight of the dresses caused me pain, and the layers felt too constricting. I didn’t have a lot of time between school and work. And when I did dress up I would think of all the things I missed about the fashion – my friends, releases, and events. Instead of feeling happy to wear my clothes, I just ended up feeling exhausted and depressed. So I tucked everything away to be dealt with when I felt a bit better.

A few months later a friend of mine posted that she was going to be leaving the fashion, and she made a leaving lolita sales post. I was one of the people who helped her get started. When she was just getting into the fashion I went to her house and gave her some hand-me-down items, and she made me cupcakes as a thank you. Over the years I’ve seen her go through college, and get established in her career. She’s reached a point where lolita just doesn’t really fit into her life anymore, and it made me wonder if maybe I was in the same place?

I started asking myself, “Has lolita served its purpose in my life? Is there anything left for me here?” Most of the time, it was hard to know the answer. Most brand releases don’t excite me anymore, and until big events come back, I find it hard to justify keeping items that I can’t wear out casually. Since then I’ve felt this pressure to make a decision – stick around and start hosting again, or leave and sell everything.

Two things ended up happening that slowed me down. The first: an order of cardigans from taobao arrived, meaning that instead of just re-wearing the same few OP’s over and over, I can wear my JSK’s in a casual style that isn’t too constricting. And second, I attended my first meetup in over a year. Even though I was anxious about attending, I’m glad I went. Everyone was friendly and excited to be there, and for the most part the people who came were new to me. It felt like a fresh start – like that new chapter I wanted when I first started writing here.

Sometimes I worry that I just can’t let go of the “glory days” when the majority of my life and social group was tied up in the fashion. I don’t want to end up bitter when so many of my fondest memories were spent with friends at special events and tea parties. But, at the same time, if I leave I want it to be on my own terms, not because I’m pushed out or feeling anxious.

Looking back on where I was this time last year, I’m so happy with my life now. Things are better than I ever could have imagined. My day to day life is peaceful and I’m surrounded by family and friends who love and support me. I’m on track to achieve the goals I set this year. So I think I’m ready to get back into the swing of things. I don’t want to promise I’ll write every week – my life is busy these days and it is a commitment I’m not sure I can keep. But if nothing else I want to try and start hosting meetups again, and maybe I’ll make some new friends and memories along the way.

Here’s to new beginnings with friends – old and new!
– Rosie